Tischtennis
Tischtennis[edit | edit source]
Tischtennis (not to be confused with Table Tennis) is the German equivilent of Ping pong. It is played with a ceremonial sausage known as a 'Tischt' and a man named 'Ennis'. The goal of the game is to protect the tischt from Ennis as he tries to take a nibble. The winner is decided by a council known as 'Der Council of Deustchgamenplayen' Gameplay usually lasts for 32+ hours or until the Tischt is eaten. Tischtennis has been played since 2 BCE. Ancient murals depict cave people playing the game as a means to celebrate a successful hunt.
Due to its success, it has been copied by many, most notably America. America has rebranded the game to instead feature a burger called a 'Ping' and an American eagle named the 'Pong'. The rules are essentially the same, except in ping pong you are able to shoot the Pong as long as you are in a lifted diesel truck. This is why it has been banned in many countries and why America is the #1 champion in ping pong.
In 2023 Tischtennis was recognized as an official sport by The Trans-International Table Tennis Incorporate of Eurasian States.
Rules[edit | edit source]
Rule 1. Players are not allowed to harm Ennis in any way.
Rule 2. Players must not eat the Tischt.
Rule 3. Players must not replace the Tischt with any other sausage substitute.
Rule 4. No swearing.
Rule 5. Players must wear the correct size liederhosen.
Rule 6. Players must be sober.
Rule 7. Players are allowed to kill a maximum of three people to escape from Ennis.
Rule 8. Players must sing the 'Tischy tischy tenni ennis song' every 5 minutes.
Rule 9. 3 goats or 1 cow must be killed before the match starts.
Rule 10. Players must hold the Tischt in their non dominant hand.
The Tischt[edit | edit source]
The Tichst is the most vital part of the game. Without it Ennis would be a poor, sad, and hungry man. The Tischt is typically a foot-long liverwurst with jalapenos. The Tischt is created 3 days before the event by the town 'Wiener boy'. The Wiener boy parades around the town with the Tischt on a stick for all the people to see. This is also when Ennis gets a whiff of it so he knows who to chase when the game starts. The Tisch is then thrown by the wiener boy to the mayor, who then plunges their ceremonial dagger into unsuspecting cattle. The Tischt is then given to the player, and the game starts.
The song[edit | edit source]
The player must sing a jingle during the game or else they are shot by crossbows. The song goes,
" Tischy tischy tenni ennis "
" Let my wurst be liver if god will let us "
" Tischy tischy tenni ennis "
" Please say yes and with no lettuce "
" Tischy tischy tenni ennis "
" My wurst tastes good all thanks to you "
" Mr. Tischy tischy tenni ennis "
