Heart Burn

“Hahaha! Look at his face! It's covered in flaming hearts!”

~ Child on harmless games

“I liked the part when he stopped moving”

~ Second Child on the bludgeoned and burned corpse of his former friend

The Noble Beginnings

The noble sport (hence the title above), voted most likely to cause loss of limbs by Jello! Magazine, origonated in demonic tribes just before the Indiana Jones era. Origonally the devout n00bist monks of Hollywood would get together in secret once every month to engage in what they called Pumpaction. In the game the monks would pump blood at each other from their own beating hearts. The object of the game was to permanently stain the other monk's robes before succombing to blood loss and withering into prunes (this might explain the sinister discovery of prunes also at that time). At the end of each week-long game the loser would have their heart held just out of their reach, and be heavily teased by the other monks. The loser's humiliation was eventually stopped when mother became involved and queried as to why the monks weren't revising.

The Breakthrough

Indiana Jones, a noble man with a noble whip and an even nobler chin, one day stumbled upon a high-tempo Pumpaction match after taking a wrong turn on his way to the toilet. Pyjama-clad and clutching his withered tooth brush, he gazed at the monks in wonder.

Five minutes later the monks had all mysteriously fell over and died. Indiana swiftly gave the monks a quick, dignified and slightly dodgy funeral (rolled up in carpet coffins and sent ot the great Junkyard in the sky just off Dover.) He quickly took the game back to England where it was hugely popular. Indiana Jones made ultra-quazillions and bought a huge comfy bed to prevent him having sleepless nights about the whole affair.

Association Heart Burn

After enjoying a nine-month long honeymoon period, Pumpaction finally germinated into Association Heartburn. The only real change in the game was that the whole idea of the thing was turned completely on it's head. Competitors now had to set their hearts on fire and hug random passers-by. The competitors had until the fat lady sings to cause as much internal damage to pedestrians using only there aflame hearts.

Some believe that it's all a vast conspiracy cooked up by the prunes to ruin our digestive tracts...

Sports