Kyle Petty

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“Kyle Petty's No Fear Racing...”

~ Nintendo on Kyle Petty

“Kyle Petty still fears me”

~ God on Kyle Petty

“At least this Kyle isn't Jewish and/or doesn't cry like a baby.”

~ Cartman on Kyle Petty

Kyle Petty (known in Japan as 牛水田 or Cow Paddy) was a racer who knew how to kick some major ass on the race track. He could of outran anyone who tried to cut him off at the pass on a typical NASCAR Sunday. He was also the star of a major video game called Kyle Petty's No Fear Racing (known in Japan as 牛水田の恐れの競争無し or There is no Competition of Fear of the Cow Paddy Field) which combined stock car racing, rock and roll music, and enough fast-paced action to make teenage boys in the Deep South skip a day of high school so they can stay at home, and pretend to be Kyle Petty on their Nintendo system. Non-NASCAR fans in Japan called his Nintendo game Circuit USA because they thought that everything in America revolved around a bunch of oval circuit tracks.

During the year 2006, Kyle Petty walked old ladies across the street, learned to speak Klingon, developed an interest in knitting, and defeated Final Fantasy V in 24 consective hours while trying to invent a cure for cancer and the common cold. However, because of his time being devoted into non-NASCAR activities, Kyle was visited by the NASCAR gods who told him to focus on racing. To this day, Kyle Petty no longer makes pink sweaters for elderly women.

On March 41 2007, Kyle Petty travelled to Ethiopia and delivered cookies baked by Sally Struthers herself to the poor children. This was done because Kyle did a favor for her and went to her favorite store in the whole wide world, The Womanly Woman Clothing Store for Bigger Ladies. In addition to this, Kyle Petty also signed autographs to the kids for $10 per autograph (American cash only, no credit cards or checks accepted). The tour concluded by giving everyone a Super NES system and a free copy of his Kyle Petty game (despite that fact that Ethiopia doesn't have electricity or televisions). In fact, when Mr. Petty left Ethopia, they were used a religious ritual to create a basilica that rivaled those in Montreal and Quebec City in Canada.

On June 9 2007, Kyle Petty started drinking heavily. This forced him to stop racing and to become a television announcer instead. Some dynamite station accepted him and he now listens to heavy metal music. When he is not racing, Kyle now plays Pole Position on his PlayStation 5 and he has beaten the Olympic record of -65000000 points. This has been proven when Luke Skywalker converted him back to the Light Side of the Force and told him to race again.

Olympic career[edit | edit source]

Kyle Petty will be competing in the 2008 Summer Olympics Games in the video games event. He is the 99-to-1 odds underdog to win the bronze medal in the NASCAR 08.