Godzilla Versus Jaws

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This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

“Predator vs. Batman, hmmm!”

For years, Jaws had terrorised Japan.

No man, woman or child was safe. Streets were littered with burning wreckage, the few survivors of Jaws' reign of terror hidden behind wooden barricades on windows of restaurants and multi-national corporations such as Starbucks, with its all new flavour coffee available in most stores now at a lower than ever price!, Nintendo, in which many copies of their ultra-secret new project for a DS game called "Vet Tycoon," in which young girls (like yourself!) can fulfil their dreams and run a veterinary centre, and cure cute sick puppies and kittens - AND you can play it on the Wii! - alongside many more self-improvement games developed by a certified Japanese psychologist; which will soon be available in all good retail outlets near you, and Apple, with its brand new iMac - which can generate iPods - and is wayy better than Microsoft Windows - well, that is, unless you want viruses! Hor hor.

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Look what it can do to fish - what could it do to Humans?!

It was said that Jaws patrolled all seas and coasts in Japan 24-7, causing hundreds of impromptu explosions and dismantling society as we know it.

It seemed all hope was lost... that this was... The End. Any attempts at stopping the monster were rendered impotent by the sheer terror Jaws instilled within the individual upon sight. This thing could tear apart a boat with its teeth - what could it do on land? It had even imprisoned all heroes and superheroes within a factory building in Nagasaki - the sheer fear of facing a 21ft long shark putting a cap on their will to go on. Jeez, even Dr. Mario was shitting bricks - and he throws exploding medication! They sat encircling a small fire, rapidly losing vital resources - well, they did have Kirby and Bowser to account for - and, it seemed, for the second time this paragraph, that it was... The End.

Of hope. Of society. Of the world.

There was no hope left, and the situation seemed, to one and all, to be hopeless. They had lost... all hope. Just to clear things up.

But there was hope.[edit]

Godzilla, making his daily trip to the boozer. Clumsy feller.

But there was hope. It loomed over the coast:- far beyond the oceans, and unto the American shores, passing over land and river, through the window in Jack Black's hotel room and past the Walk of Fame. At the end of this trail, you find yourself observing a bar at which a large, green presence sits. This presence is beyond power, strength and courage, and its bravery knows no limit. This presence is known to all as Godzilla, and is currently watching Fox News with a small beer in hand, lamenting.

"I could have stopped it," he sighs, "but somehow I lost my power. What's wrong with me?!" He places his fist on the counter. "I'm nothing... just a loser. I've abandoned all that was close to me for the sake of melodrama and script length and depth... why do I never think things through?! Am I just an average joe like you that makes mistakes?"
He takes a swig from his glass and slams it on the counter leaving a huge indent and another corpse on a pile of corpses. A man in a barman's outfit casually walks out of a closet (full of haunting voices and tortured screams... but that's another conspiracy) and polishes a pint glass.

Artist's impression of the bar sequence... you'll have to go see the movie to see what it's really like! It's got uber-CGI and everything!

"I'm just gonna," he paused, alcohol having taken its toll, leaving him with a lack of concentration. "I'm just gonna," what? What was he going to do? Stop Jaws? Huh, he'd like to see that. "I'm just gonna... give up." He slumped down on the remaints of the counter.

"Straighten up, sonny boy!," said the voice of an apparition floating down from the ceiling, "I'm gonna make a man of you yet! You, boy, are disgracing the family! You gonna march right up and face that ugly mothafucka Jaws, y'hear me? And y'know what? You gon' win!" Godzilla paused for a moment, sighed, and looked up.

"Um... grandfather?.. just a few questions first," he said with a vaguely confused face, "One: You're not dead... so why are you a ghost? Second: Why do you look like a weird, unsettling combination of Mr. Miyagi, Samuel L. Jackson and Me, but as a ghost? It looks nothing like what you're supposed to. And three... why are you speaking like Mr. T?"

"Ain't you done heard of a thing called Lights, Camera, Action? Ain't you got one tiny li'l bit left of it in that cold, dead soul o'yours? How did you know it was me, anyway? Why am I answering questions with questions?"

"I won't question your wisdom any further, venerable grandfather," said Godzilla resignedly but with an air of sarcasm, "I knew it was you because this is the third time you've given me a moment of epiphany in two weeks. Remember the "Buy that goddamn ice-cream already" incident? And I don't know why you're answering questions with questions. All I know is - damn, grandpa! You've got a new wristwatch from Dolce and Gabbana!"

"I know," said his grandfather, "isn't it fabulous?"

The montage that had to be somewhere[edit]

Hope travelled over distant shores to the land of the hopeless - such a properous land it was, full of Toshiba and Mitsubishi - in Godzilla's guise. He was renewed with inner strength and faith - truly, he was a new man, no longer the average joe like you, but a role model - and called upon the spirits within to guide him to victory. Every step he made - whilst creating and destroying islands in their path - was a step closer to inner peace. He reflected on his journey - and a good reflection it was, undoubtedly soemthing to do with world peace or charity - to pass the time. Shortly, he arrived on the murky, misty shores of his desecrated homeland. He could see the seaport was still aflame - its users' corpses piled, like something totally horrifying like out of a totally scary horror movie or something - and in the distance... there it was. Bringer of devastation, panic, and spontaneous, cinematic explosion. The Nemesis. The Evil. The Badness and other negative words. The Shark. さめ (Sah-may). Jaws.

The most EPIC battle in history ensues![edit]

A process within Jaws' body seen either by the result of extraordinary perception on Godzilla's part, or by one POWERFUL acid trip.

He ran over to face his enemy, his arch nemesis, he once heard it slagged off his mother, this enslaver and murderer of humans. It was too busy eating fish to notice that Godzilla was there. A nearby hospital collapsed, by dint of no apparent effort from any forces - other than perhaps the people inside? Well, people are confusing - and its remaints blew up in a shower of charred flesh and boiling medicinal liquids. Just then, he caught Jaws' eye. In that moment, time stood still. He could see the same in great detail, every cell and fluid magnified hugely to his perception. Every tiny part of its body told its own story. Its reproductive system, in its zygotic meiosis, projected to him a history. This would be harder than he thought; this same has the strength of years. Were it to get on land, the world would surely suffer, or at least combust. Godzilla could not take this chance. Every soul and being on this earth was resting on his shoulders. It was almost unbearable - as if facing this monstrosity - all 21 feet long and 3 feet high of it in comparison to Godzilla's hundreds - was not enough!

Its eyes thinned, time seemed to restart, like a metronome that had just had its batteries replaced... it began speeding up. As Jaws chowed down on his sushi surprise (well it was, undoubtedly, somewhat of a surprise to the fish) as innocently and nonchalantly as a 21 foot shark could, the intensity began to overwhelm Godzilla. He had to do something. He resorted to take action, fast.

He reached down into the water...

...picked jaws up...

...and bit its head off.

Jaws was defeated. The Japanese rejoiced and cried in relief - with many extreme camera close-ups attesting to this - and everything was restored to as it was meant to be within 2 days. Wait, what?

Sequels coming soon to a box office near you...[edit]

A preview of the potentially upcoming epic film... Godzilla vs. Kanye West.
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