The Tragedy of a Wikipedian

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Characters[edit]

  • Dan the Hedgehog - The main character, who likes editing Wikipedia. Signature font: Times New Roman.
  • Quadrophenia "Quad" the Fox - Dan's girlfriend, and helps Dan in the trial. Signature font: Comic Sans MS.
  • Jimbo Wales - The head of Wikipedia. Signature font: Code font.
  • Scott - The bartender at the bar Dan goes to.
  • Dr. Dimitri Paranoia - A Wikipedian who helps Dan during the trial.

Scene 1[edit]

(Setting:Dan's home. Dan is watching Alvin and the Chipmunks.)
ALVIN:In fact, we're more popular than Micky Mouse!
EVERYBODY:BOOOO!
DAN:GRR! THAT'S JUST WRONG! WHY IS MICKY MOUSE MORE LOVED THAN THE CHIPMUNKS?! NO SERIOUSLY TELL ME WHY! (Goes on to Wikipedia and changes something.) I'm gonna call Quad! (Calls Quad.)
QUAD:Hello?
DAN:Hey, Quad, it's me, Dan.
QUAD:Hey. 'Sup?
DAN:Nothing. Wazzup with you?
QUAD:Not much. So, what were you saying?
DAN:Right. Anyway, are you on Wikipedia?
QUAD:Yeah.
DAN:Go on and search for "Micky Mouse."
QUAD:I'm on it. (Searches.) OHMIGOD! HAHAHAHAHAA!!!

All over the Micky Mouse article, the following is typed over and over again:

MICKY MOUSE SUCKS! ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS ARE BETTER!! HAHAHA!!!

QUAD:That is so funny! Did you do that?
DAN:Yup. It'll probably get removed.
QUAD:Whatever. At least you conveyed your message!
DAN:That's for sure. Say, Quad. Do you want to come over to my house?
QUAD:Heck yah!
(Quad goes over to Dan's house, followed by a hot sex scene.)

Scene 3[edit]

Illogicopedia apologizes for skipping over scene 2, and in out defense, it was an unneeded sex scene. Everybody knows what happens during that. You don't? TOO BAD!!! Now, on with the show!

DAN:That was fun.
QUAD:Yep. (Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, which Dan opens as he hurriedly puts his clothes on.)
DAN:Who are you?
GUY AT DOOR:Get inside.
QUAD:What?
GUY AT DOOR:Get inside. Now.
DAN:Who the heck are you?
GUY AT DOOR:My name is Dr. Dimitri Paranoia, and I'm here to warn you that-- (Hit by a tranquilizer dart, which is shot by two ninjas, who grab Dan and disappear in a cloud of smoke.) QUAD:DAN!!!

What will happen to Dan? Will Quad ever get her lover back? And will that guy who was hit by a tranquilizer dart ever come to and tell us what the heck's going on? Find out... in the next scene!

Scene 4[edit]

(Dan wakes up in a dark room.)
DAN:Hello? (No response.) Am I dead?
VOICE:You're not dead, you've just been taken against your will. (Lights turn on, and Dan looks around. The room is completely empty, the walls are painted white, and he sees a TV screen on the wall. Suddenly, the screen shows a face.)
DAN:AAAAAAA!
GUY ON TV SCREEN:Hel-lo! Did I scare you! I didn't think so. My name is Jim Wales. DAN:You mean you're Jimbo Wales, the founder of Wikipedia.
JW:Ah, you seem to know a lot about Wikipedia. We will become very good friends.
DAN:Enough with the bullcrap. Let's get down to business. Why have I been captured?
JW:Good question, and I have an answer! Are you not the one who edited that Mickey Mouse page so it said "MICKY MOUSE SUCKS! ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS ARE BETTER!! HAHAHA!!!" all over it?
DAN:Yes. Your point?
JW:Well, we were very angry at that, and we noticed you vandalized several hundred other pages.
DAN:WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? I BARELY EVER GO ON WIKIPEDIA!!!
JW:Hmm. Yes. I see. (Picks up phone.) Send in the editors.
(A bunch of muscular men come in and beat Dan up.)
JW:Now confess, vandal scum!
DAN:Why do you call those big apes "editors?"
JW:Because unless you confess, they'll edit your face until it's busted! Now confess!
DAN:To WHAT?!
JW:Well, if the editors won't make you confess, we'll have to get them with other ways. Take him away! (Editors drag Dan away.)

Scene 5[edit]

QUAD:Don't you think that, if Wikipedia is an evil empire, as you say, wouldn't we have found out about it by now?
DR. PARANOIA:They hide it.
QUAD:You're crazy!
DR. PARANOIA:That's not the point. The point is that your boyfriend Dan was reckless, and could've gotten himself killed by editing that article. He wasn't thinking about what would happen, he was only thinking about how funny it would be.
QUAD:But--
DR. PARANOIA:LISTEN TO ME, QUAD! Wikipedia isn't just some kind of graffiti wall that anybody can edit! It's serious chizz!