- Formally called: DSM IV
- Acronym means:Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Freaking Psycho People
- Or: Da Schizo Master
- Anxiety Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) - Strange, random anxiety afflicting those who know that the end of the world or the life is at hand. This is SO common just prior to each Armageddon or murder, walking across bridges, walking down a dark city street, being slipped sex-drugs, throwing pennies off of the Empire State Building, turning off your car lights, etc.
- Anxietiorexia Nervosa - Patient becomes so afraid that they throw up frequently enough to cause rapid weight loss.
- Bullimia - Fear of all cattle and cattle products. Ritual of finger down the throat to indicate where Mommy dearest forced warm milk as a baby leaving mental scars for life. Stick it waaaay down there, yeah!
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Gotta do it again! Gotta do it again! Gotta do it again! Gonna get myself connected... (Well, you get the idea....)
- Obsessive Convulsive Disorder - patient rethinks notions to the point of convulsion.
- Obstreperous (Vituperative) Compulsive Disorder - the spontaneous exclamation of very large words in inappropriate settings. (Not to be confused with Turret's Syndrome)
- Post-Traumatic Mind Enhancement - that rush you feel when you relive a really horrifying experience
Attention Asset Disorder - patient has LOTS of attention and willingly gives it to each and every event in succession. Has the ability to track NINE enemy spaceships at once. Blank stare is often confused with not knowing what's going on, when in fact language does not exist for such fantastic simultaneity.
Attention Deficit/Hyperspatial Disorder - the inability to concentrate on one thing (look at the birdie!) for more than a few seconds because patient repeatedly finds him or her self standing in a hyperspatial vision in front of a certain 4-D (24hour) Breakfast Restaurant.
Autism - the ability to pay absolutely no attention to anything effortlessly. Needs to know just where (exactly) everything is in patient's universe. June Cleever often mistaken for one, though she's so verbal. Often has the ability to spontaneously count number of needles in a haystack of needles. (Stafford)
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - it's always Nappie-time. NO! Good dream! Good Dream! Can someone hold my peepee for me while I pee? I'll get to whatever-it-is tomorrow. "Feed me, Seymore"(courtesy LSOH)
Cat door tree dog god loose Mood Disorder
- Antler Envy - common among young male mooses, often characterized by size comparison and simultaneous spontaneous urination contests. The relationship between magnitude of antlers and urination is not clear to professionals at this time. 8============>
- Bipolar Disorder - Axis I - patient in line with the magnetic polarity of the Earth, which, as we know, switches frequently. Each reversal triggers a "manic" episode (see below) or a "depressive" episode (see above). Axis II - Patient has the uncontrollable urge to buy "Polar" spring water. Davani just doesn't cut it. BAWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Disphoria - the joy felt when pwning anyone nearby with neither tact nor mercy.
- Depression - often confused with hangover. The ability to be un-happy with everything in one's life all at once. Not even satisfied with a really major bowel movement. Tendency to stay in bed and, in severe cases, forgo coffee and sex. How bad can it get?.
- Mania - first identified at Beatles concerts. Grants the patient SUPER powers to stay up for days at a time, paint the Sisteen chapel, sculpt Le Penseur, and paint the Mona Lisa. Rome, in fact, WAS built in a day by a rogue band of Bipolars and a very manic architect. Also, it is frequently overlooked that The Universe and everything in it was created in six days, which strikes most psychiatrists as particularly out-of-control Mania. And, of course, Oscar Wilde was manic (or drunk - see Alcoholism below) most of the time.
- Psychosis NOS - Any kind of blessed insight misunderstood by professionals as indication of delusion and hallucination. They are special and must be protected as they try to do their part to save the world and everyone in it by offering blessings upon all the machines and giving free oil and lubes. Catholicism is contra-indicated.
- Schizophrenia - blessed with the vision of the other world, hears absolutely reliable voices except for those that talk about the knives. Frequently feels paranoid as if "it's all about me" getting secret messages from the radio or TV or Seinfeld reruns, also occasionally feels that certain others are "out to get me." Not to be confused with natural fear resulting from owing the wrong people money or signing up to be part of a c***l. Collectively, all thought disorders are referred to as "cabalistic". Not to be confused with "cannibalistic", whose groups don't last very long but not for lack of participation.
- Alcoholism - Obsessive/Compulsive mood and thought disorder involving uncontrollable desire to drink as much as one can as often as one can and then argue with people with guns and lose.
- Drug Addiction - (see Alcoholism but replace "drink" with "use")
- Pregnancy - OMFG, don't even get me started!
- Recovering person - special case of Alcoholism and Drug Addiction. Tend to be precariously clean/sober and unstable for first ten years or so of sobriety. In the meantime, they tend to insist on separation from each other, not realizing that NOT USING alcohol and/or drugs is the point. To remain clean/sober, they may have to take certain steps and get a life.
- Schizoaffective Disorder - Thought and Mood disorder at the same time. Characterized by a thought disorder and a mood disorder not necessarily at the same time. (see above sections). Schizophrenia with all the bells and whistles.
Female Personality Disorders
- Borderline Personality Disorder - you are so psychotic and we have NO IDEA what's wrong with you! You'll need therapy twice a week for the next ten years. Oh. Medicaid? Once a week for nine weeks.
- Multiple Personality Disorder - like sock-puppets, but be afraid. Be very afraid. "And don't call me Shirley" (Airplane).
- Passive/Aggressive Disorder - saying one thing and meaning another. "No. You go on. Just leave me here, all alone, dreadfully sick, probably dying. But I'll be fine! I don't mind. I mean it. I'll just stare at the walls or something. Really, I'll be fine!"
- Entrapment Disorder - "I mean it! I'm 19, really!" or "No, I'm not a cop."
- Lose-Lose Disorder - "Does this dress me look fat?" and "If you don't know, I won't tell you." and "Do you think that other girl's pretty?" (quotes attributed to Lord Fluffy's ex)
- PMS (Pre-murder Syndrome) - changes an otherwise kind and gentle lass into, well, the baddest bitch you ever saw - on a monthly basis. Professionals suspect that lycanthropy (see below) is an alternate, milder form of this syndrome.
Male Ego Disorders
- Lycanthropy - in its modern form, unrelated to lunar cycles, more readily attributable to periodic excessive testosterone when near any being that will have sex with the afflicted.
- Machismo - variation of lycanthropy except the afflicted maintains high levels of male hormones and consequently acts like a "meat-head" (not to be confused with Red-Neck Disorder).
- Red-Neck Disorder - further variation of lycanthropy, but a benign disorder provided those who come into contact with them are straight, Caucasian, wear flannel shirts and jeans, and provide free beer.
- Pissing Contest Disorder - related to Antler Envy. "Hose down the decks with testosterone." (Lost In Space).
- Girlie-Man Syndrome - first diagnosed by Ahnold Schwarzenegger in a moment of self-enlightenment. Now all real men aspire to be "Girlie-Men".
- God Complex - "I smite you, tiny mortal. I could put the Universe on the tip of my finger, put it in my eye, and not feel it. You are nothing! Worship me now, before I remove you from the time-line entirely."
- God Complex (ego-less variation) - "I know God, and you ain't it. My God is supremely better than your God. They already fought, and your's ran home to Mama! I am nothing. You are nothing. Only God matters." (Often seen in the newly converted and newly recovering)
- God Complex (second ego-less variation) - "We are all God. Buy a flower? Let me show you how to be God. We have a book.... What's your annual income? I mean your name, of course."
- Non-God Complex - The desire to delete from one's mind all things irrational. There is no God and no mental illness. For a small ongoing fee, these will be erased from your mind in stages. Sorry, cash only. (Kind of like Dianetics. Did you not know? Or were you just afraid to say?) (Be very afraid!!!)
- Oedipus Complex - the desire to kill one's father (or step-father) and marry (and have sex with) your mother (Yuck!) (developed mostly by Freud but later by MTV. Strikes mostly men)
- Electra Complex - the desire to act on the Oedipus Complex but with everything reversed. (This explains much of the desire by women to
castrate mengain equal rights.)
- 'Complex God Complex - the belief that God is an infinitely, incomprehensibly complex entity, but that comprehending God is absolutely necessary. Invariably result in spontaneous combustion due to the paradoxes involved. See Toast-Tied-To-Falling-Cat Paradox.
- Wanda Complex - "The Ka! The Ka! The Ka!"