Baked, not stirred

Some day, I may tidy this dog of a page up a bit. Part of this effort would include a page with procedures for efficient admintation of our fair cite.

Preprologue

I am The First, insofar as anyone can claim to be first in myriad multiplicity (apologies, dear reader. I just liked the alliteration), in a general sense. In particular, I myself am the first to invent Zimizmizm and it’s accompay drivel. Please do not attribute any importance to the term, if you might come across it elsewhere. If you ever feel the urge to evangelize, r are other alternatives, but pissing off is a choice.

Reverend Zim_ulator grunts: the spiritual origin story

Glancing over C. S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, I consider the how religion and/or faith manifests itself in a person's life. As a child, I embraced my Catholicism. I was a bit more drawn to things spiritual than my peers until I was 14 or so, when my grip slowly loosened over time. I attended a Catholic high school and was considered a Catholic in good standing, but my belief in Catholicism as the true or truest way, in much of the doctrine and dogma, was fading. Nevertheless, spirituality was an integral part of my life.

My limited knowledge of Protestantism made me question the need of an intermediary between God and myself (I still believed in what monotheists call God at this time. I reevaluated ideas like vows of chastity for clergy, inequality of the sexes and others. Through university, reading and attending services, I zeroed in on Zen Buddhism and began to practice. My thinking sharpened, informed by practice, psychology, philosophy. I questioned attributes of God versus my upbringing, the veracity of Christianity in part or whole, indeed if God exists at all beyond the ideas of people.

As a few years passed, I became less and less settled on any one faith (or not faith, for that matter) until I met some local Baha'is through a set of seemingly inspired events. I suppose the world tales on a different hue when you're itching to act in the name of spiritual progress. At the time I was planning our wedding, and with the folly of youth, we decided to marry in the Catholic Church as a gesture of respect for our families. As it turns out, it was much less important to either of our parents than we believed. Because my wife was divorced, the Church required a minor clusterfuck of us, with documentation and the like. Also, I was torn between my desire to become a Baha'i and risking denial of a Church wedding. I developed a hostility toward the Church that lasted perhaps 15 years.

MORE TO COME

Gruntled has attained 2 stars.   I don't get why that baby gorilla ate my homework

***

Saved By The Bell Virgin This user is proud to say that he's never seen the sitcom Saved By The Bell; not even for a few seconds.

“If you integrate fantasy with reality, you do not instantiate reality. If you mix cow pie with apple pie, it does not make the cow pie taste better; it makes the apple pie worse.”

~ SBM blogger Mark Crislip on Complimentary Alternative Medicine

YOU WON!

Congrats, Mr. Smarty Pants slash Sock drawer kerfuggling expert! You have passed the quiz with flyin' colors! Take your I.D.D. We want to see you use your knowledge of illogicality for new edits and vandalize Illogipedia. Were counting on you.

This user has a Illogical Illogicality Degree.

“No one can make you look like a turd without your permission.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

A typical Gruntled nap, complete with puppy headed muttface.

Stuff I take full responsibility for

This user sells propane and propane accessories.

The Holy Eye of Kaizum

"Vital" Articles

Iron Age ~ Fossil fuel ~ Bahá'í Faith ~ Complex number

Articles

This is what happens to people who follow advice from Gruntled.

Dawn French Hangman-rope Underling That's gangsta, son

Homesick for Dis ~ Kerbit's Day ~ Inventory (spork) ~ Pi knuckle ~ This article took 51 minutes to write ~ There are enchiladas in my socks ~ Nuke The Hamptons ~ Cadillac Jesus ~ Wrowbawttzq ~ Nine thousand addictions ~ HowTo:Prepare and consume Chicken Catsup Tory ~ Camelid ~ Pancake Chicken ~ Helicopter ~ Humanist propaganda ~ Part of an overheard telephone conversation ~ Week Force ~ Tofu Cowbell ~ Great Tofu Cowbell of Sumatra ~ Chicken Force ~ A baby gorilla ate my homework ~ Magnetic chickens ~ Squirrel Lambast ~ Zulch ~ IllogiZoo:Winnebago ~ Gibbon ~ Gruntled (disambiguation) ~ A list of things I put into a Forum ~ It's hard tellin', not knowin' ~ EWxceeed action or the article that wrote itself ~ MILF ~ 2.12 ariskti ~ Black and Silver (condensed cheese product) ~ The Typical Conversation With My Dog ~ Order seroquel 25mg cheap - seroquel tablets - seroquel coupon ~ Quantum Chiropractic (wip)~ Help:Create an account ~ Help:Why create an account ~ Illogic Gate ~ Received Pronunciation (RP) ~ Default ~ Today God told me... ~ Burger Stand Argument ~ IllogiCocktail ~ The Extrusion of Crinkled Mayonnaise: A Documentary ~ Illogicopedia's official position on Turtles ~ Sandwich Demons ~ IllogiFaith articles of faith, or something ~ An Inconvenient Chicken ~ Yetiism ~ Porcelain Theocracies ~ IllogiTurtles ~ Quantum mechanics ~ Banana cheese (wip) ~ Ketchup ~ H. P. Lovecraft (wip) ~ Wrongful Monkey Suit ~ Anonymous Bosch ~ Don't tell me what to do! ~ Overmeh ~ Bullshit ~ Eh? Society ~ Aldous Huxley ~ Goggle ~ Stabatorium ~ Stab ~ Bat Fuck Origami ~ Jack Kerouac ~ Mouseketeering ~ Countably Infinite ~ Mafia ~ Malpheasants ~ Sneezer Salad ~ Stream of Consciousness (Narrative) ~ American Weirdo ~ Weaponized toe nail clippings ~ The Big Bang as viewed through a straw ~ Watches Too Much Family Guy ~ Newt Gingrich ~ Beware of Greeks bearing gifts ~ DDoS ~ ZickescheißeHomöopathiekurenfarben GmbH ~ Monster Bunny ~ Existential threats to mankind ~ Invasion by homeless people on trains ~ Beware of Greeks bearing bearings ~ ITT Technical Institute ~ Adriana Romero ~ Alessandro Intrubé ~ The Hartley Family ~ Biscuit Technique ~ Don Criceto ~ French Revolution ~ Sabden Witchcraft ~ Q32 ~ Student loans ~ Dawn French ~ Frunobulax ~ Festoonery ~ Reverend Zim ulator ~ Schismism ~ Zimizmizm ~ Small bang ~ Untenable as a permutative set member ~ Euripides Pants ~ Brain Lock ~ Mental illness ~ Owl Pellets ~ Illogicopedia (reality show) ~ Meatface ~ I have webbed feet, all of a sudden ~ Later ~ Then ~ Seals ~ Vomit Porn ~ Paul Prudhomme ~ Neil deGrasse-Tyson ~ Goom java ~ Toroidal fungus, breathtakingly ~ Something else entirely ~ FNOR Gate ~ Draddlegnoss ~ Appalachian Man Frog ~ Gaggle of Raptors, or Rabbit Rape ~ Current ~ Black holes ~ Invader Zim ~ Not nickel-cadmium ~ Smell? ~ Bacon Seltzer (WIP) ~ Show and tell ~ Fragrant wieners ~ Out ~ In ~ Geocities ~ Spewledge (WIP) ~ Frank Zappa (WIP) ~ 0 ~ Adult Swim ~ Dimension 18 (WIP) ~ Not Bananas ~ Something elks entirely ~ Warm, buttery garlic hatred (WIP) ~ Bacon Smell (WIP)~ Demons ~ Forward ~ Panpolynomialism ~ Alpacamony ~ Every time this button is clicked, an Illogicopedian gets waterboarded ~ Issac Newton ~ Down ~ South ~ North ~ Issac Newton ~ Chopulator ~ Silly ~ Idea ~ I have some idea ~ Quat Qaut ~ West ~ East ~ Mormon ~ Penultimate Illogic ~ Stoner ~ Bat fuck thought experiment ~ Mastodon ~ What happened to the mastadon ~ Fifth (measurement) ~ The Origins Of Man ~ Fifth ~ Fourth ~ Third ~ Second ~ First ~ Rancid Bacon Inhalation Therapy № 17 ~ Fartification ~ Ennui Ford ~ Come out ~ Dadar ~ She will mess you up ~ For Whom The Truk Atolls ~ Founding Fathers ~ Belching Hyena ~ Pantheism (proper) ~ Panfriedism ~ Panflotsam ~ Panfriedism ~ Pandaism ~ Panflotsam ~ Panflautism ~ The Witch, the Wardrobe, and the Mastodon ~ Schrödinger's Jesús ~ Obviousedes (stub) ~ An article whose existence is only justified because it brings the current article count up to 6,740 ~ The man from U.N.C.Y.C.L.O.P.E.D.I.A ~ Jesús ~ Cthulhu-Jesus ~ Jesús Jesús-y-Cthulhu ~ Jesús Cthulhu ~ Radiation ~

Martial arts master Gruntled, performs an obtuse woodland ritual every Thursday.

My IllogiNews

Self-described bacon neck and replacement hood user Gruntled enjoys being compared to other apes. He is the first ever to be featured on every cover of Modern Primate'.

Puisse is the new black, Social Studies is the new Math ~ Kim Jong-il leaves legacy as corn whisperer ~ Infanticide most popular sport in Denmark ~ Illogical politics as usual ~ Infestation of Motel Trolls imminent ~ Feral Winnebago captured after rampage through office park ~ ?pedia has stake in baby crushing competition ~ Badger gathering recalls simpler times ~ Blacula kills Donald Trump, homicide found to be justified ~ Mad scientist humor ~ A thing that smells like stale caribou ~ Obama creates Department of Terrifying Loons ~ Itchy butt porn sub-genre fails to fill theatres ~ Quantum mechanics explains ghosts, say flightworthy experts ~ High school mascot decimates opposing team ~ If I buy frozen chupacabra, will my dinner guests notice ~ This week we're really doing Cajun bat-wrapped scallops ~ This week in Cooking Illogically - Cajun bat-wrapped scallops ~ Butt hymen restoration now practical, safe ~ Baconists declare holiday, most don't care ~ Waking dead tell no frogs ~ UK town ramps up for tourism ~ KKK Picachu ready for Christmas ~ Fanged Ham Steak threatens mid-western US ~ High Explosives and Ordinance Fishermans Association kicks off Fall/Winter season ~ IllogiNews funding called into question ~ I have no idea ~ Periodic Table reinvented? ~ Bat Fuck Operating System (BFOS) in Beta testing, may be dangerous ~ Martians adamant: we are not Americas ATM ~ Tea-partiers: Hot, hot anime sex will lead to anime marriage ~ G. Kronec wins extreme downhill 280 meter wife beating event ~ Shotgun wedding jitters ~ No blood for charcoal! ~ Fish exceeds speed of light ~ Alternate universes? You're soaking in one now! ~ Bats are eating my legs ~ Echidna molestation deemed dangerous, ill-advised ‎ ~ Rhesus pieces by Reese's ~ Whacks on, whacks off; the Christine O'Donnell story ~ Second Spiderman sighting, this one from sentient camel universe ~ Bats unsuitable as dairy stock say Belgians ~ Hippies suddenly popular again ~ Evidence of sentient giraffe universe dates to World War 2 ~ New species discovered ~ Spiderman camel held for questioning in sentient goat universe ~ New breakthrough in rehymenization ~ Spiderman from another dimension startles passersby ~ `Rolex now markets to middle class budgets ~ Lactose intolerance harnessed as WMD ~ Climate study stalled, monkeys dead ~ Lather, rinse, repeat ~ Ga Ga ga ga over Da Da

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions simply because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

~ Siddhãrtha Gautama (Buddha)

Collaborations

Colbert Super PAC ~ Weak sauce ~ Ominous Crotch Stain (Oh no!) added pic

My IllogiDictionary Entries

Uninhobbitable ~ Mouseketeer~ Zimizmist

My IllogiToons

IllogicoHaiku ~ ATBF ~ Batmoose Rescues Mary ~ Bad Komik

My HowTos

HowTo:Protect your cat from evil psychic influences ~ HowTo:Rotate the tires on your dog ~ HowTo:Mess with an AI bot's mind ~ HowTo:Replace A Monitor Lizard With Toothpaste

My Poetry

Advice ~ The Temperature in Auckland, New Zealand ~ DOOR AJAR ~ A Gulf ~ Maybe A Poem ~ Frunobulax Poop

Categories

Category:Self-important Douche Bags ~ Category:Fishing ~ Category:Jibber-jabber ~ Category:Articles that contain Latin quotes ~ Category:Meat ~ Category:Fried Foods Category:Norway ~ Category:Poop ~

Drive-by Lunacy

Quantum physics ~ Doritos ~ Office word 2007 ~ Metallica ~ The Hobbit ~ The agenda to turn America into a sausage biscuit ~ Insight ~ High school girls ~ Bread ~ This ~ Jeff Foxworthy ~ *gets on soapbox* ~ Lossy cheese integrator ~ IllogiZoo:Monkdog ~ IllogiZoo:Dogbird ~ IllogiZoo:Monkdog ~ IllogiZoo:Testostomonster ~ IllogiZoo:Salmon moose ~ IllogiZoo:Llama Llama ~ IllogiZoo:Randumbo Elephant ~ IllogiZoo:Big Bird ~ IllogiZoo:Woodles ~ IllogiZoo:Test Ostrich ~ IllogiZoo:Seven hell-eating banana fish ~ IllogiZoo:The Giant Doom Hamster ~ IllogiZoo:Goat Satnav ~ IllogiZoo:Purple monkey ~ IllogiZoo:Bunny shark ~ IllogiZoo:Cricket bat ~ IllogiZoo:Snap-billed mreetwass ~ IllogiZoo:Imaginary pet ~ IllogiZoo:Innocent human ~ IllogiZoo:Flaming Satan Goat ~ IllogiZoo:Granite ~ IllogiZoo:Kitchen Zebras ~ IllogiZoo:Koopa ~ IllogiZoo:Loopy de Loop ~ IllogiZoo:Motel Trolls ~ IllogiZoo:Pumpkin ~ IllogiZoo:Tweety Bird ~ IllogiZoo:Batgorilla ~ Windows XP ~ Not Gay ~ Zebu ~ Burble ~ Aikido

“Today I joined the SGP (Strangled Cat Party) as an expression of my vehement apolity.”

~ Sensei Gruntled on how today, how whole life changed. He is as reborn.

End Table

This user, for his drug enriched creative writing, deserves The Lance Armstrong Award For Creativity Enhancement. Keep blazing/tripping/snorting/injecting, Illogian!

The shy, winsome bat-gorilla.

24.61.112.73 (Talk • Contribs • Block (rem-lst-all) • Logs • Groups • Checkuser)

For APPOINTED, see Gruntled (disambiguation).

Featured Illogicopedian

This user is a winner of the Illogicopedian of the Month award.

(See other winners)

NEHPIC

This article is one of ?pedia's N'EPICs.

Inflatable Hammer winner 2011

AKA Gruntled AKA Reverend Zim_ulator AKA Sensei Gruntled AKA Grunteloons AKA My Anonymous Sock Puppet

I might also be Monsignor Peaches at Illogicomedia.org.

AKA

• Earthrot
• Evilspawn
• Foulsoil The Cadaverous
• Foulsoil The Decrepit
• Foulspawn
• Gravelrot The Rotting
• Gravelterror The Evil
• Groundfear The Mouldering
• Oozeclay The Decrepit
• Oozerock
• Rotsoil The Foul
• Rotterror
• Soilstone
• Stinkhorror The Worm-ridden
• Stinkterror The Necrotic
• Stoneclay
• Stonefear The Worm-ridden

AKA

Gruntled spends much of his time talking with the severed heads of his enemies.

Interests, Hobbies, Cults Memberships and Lint

There are some coffees that shouldn't be drunk.

I am an ordained minister (Universal Church of the Apathetic Agnostic and the Church of the Latter Day Dude AKA Dudeism), Bachelor of Mathematics, Master of Spiritual Reengineering, Doctor of Naturopathy, Special and General Relativity enthusiast, cosmology with magic underwear, badger-provoking. Bitten by a radioactive leprechaun in 1960, I have super powers that only work in zero gravity.

I lived in Okinawa for a number of years, switching religions 7 times, and political parties 3 times. I went to university and studied Motobu Ryu, a martial art which became the name of a reptile I owned some 17 years later.

I went to Massachusetts, went to university, did some interesting and unrelated jobs, culminating in a career in software systems development for the energy business.

Nowadays, I am living off the grid, assuming the identity of Reverend Zim_ulator or Gruntled when I need to get my message out to the world. You see, God, or somebody, talks to me when no one else is around, and the first thing I was told was to write the stuff I hear in various subversive intraweb publications.

Things I stole and applied to my ?pedia persona

Qaut Qaut

Dog poops

Gruntled has dropped 8,771 doggie poopies.

Science vs. Christianity

Part 2 in the 53 part "Where the hell am I?" series